Swimsuit Update: I Can't Believe I'm Still Talking About This.

So, and update from the last entry about this: I've returned all the Athleta stuff except for the cute swim shorts which I still love. The top felt like Too Much and I couldn't find a bottom that fit well enough to justify the price. I moved on to Boden swimwear and here's what happened:

(This is where you feel a little bit sorry for Marianne because every time I get a new swimsuit order in the mail she's subjected to whining and flabby photos.)

A: The Boden bikini tops arrived. I’m gonna to wear a burka to the pool this year maybe.

M: 

A: Can I show you?

M: Duh.

A: This is the first one. Feels too big. Maybe a little cartoony? 

M: Hm. Looks too big.

A: The black is a size down but just looks like a fancy bra:

M: Better, but yeah. I feel like those are too full coverage or something. 

A: Boobs need wrangling, but yeah.

M: This particular one isn’t doing you any favors. 

A: Ugh. 

M: The idea of putting a bikini on my body makes me want to DIE.

A: Well, right now I'm not too happy about it, but tanks fit me weird.

A: Maybe a halter?

Halter Bikini Top

M: I like that one more!

A: There’s this one too: 

Knot Front Bikini Top

M: Also cute. 

A: Everything else has ruffles.  So, burka.

M: Ha.

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So, just to give a fair review, the Vintage Cup Size Bikini Top I'm wearing so grudgingly is actually super nicely made and good quality, just doesn't fit me quite right. I think part of it is that with my narrow shoulders, a halter style just looks more balanced. I do really like their Tie Side Bikini Bottom quite a bit and I've ordered the halter style top to go with it. Fingers crossed because I am really over this process.

PS. Not to enable, but for the next three days code 8Z4Q gets you 25% OFF plus free shipping & returns on orders over $49 at Boden plus 2% cash back if you go through eBates. Just the thing for ordering multiple sizes of reasonably priced swimwear that you'll probably end up return in a fit of rage. 

Adrien: Swimsuit Shopping is Wearing Me Out.

Oh my God, you guys. I am basically exhausted from trying on bikini parts. Exhausted. After my initial terrible foray into a poorly-lit department store dressing room I wised up and decided to order from home. Everything I ordered from Zappos and 6pm was returned, by the way. For round two I chose to order (and order and order) from Athleta because I get free shipping and returns and I like their quality. So, I first fell for this Laser Beam print set:

Laser Beam Cross Strap Bikini

What I love: The design, the print, the fact that the top doesn't have an uncomfortable knot in the middle of my back and the cute strap design. What I don't love: The small was too small and the medium felt a little big. The straps adjust but there's no way to adjust the band size, so I was just out of luck on this one. Returned.

Laser Beam Bottom

What I love: The print. What I don't love: Everything else. There is no way that three pieces of stretchy thick elastic on your hips is not going to dig in. I got a medium and it was turrible but I think even the large would've been bad. Nope. Returned. On a whim, I also ordered these:

Laser Beam Kata Shorts

What I love: All of it. The print, the fit, all of it. They're so good! I was really surprised because the cut looks similar to the Lululemon Speed Short which look awful on me. But these are great, I promise. I got a medium and they're a perfect fit. They'll be great for the days when I want to a bit more coverage, but don't want to feel mumsy. I might even wear them to the gym this summer because they really do feel like running shorts with the liner and all. Oh, and they come in solid colors too, which is nice. I kept them and decided to get a solid bikini top to match. I picked this one:

Tara Halter Bikini

What I love: The color is beautiful and the quality is very good. It has underwire and comes in bra sizes so I ordered two sizes and the size up fit better. What I don't love: It is significant. It feels like wearing a full-coverage bra when you're used to wear bralettes. There is just a lot going on up there. So far I've kept it because it fit and looks good, but I'm not 100% convinced. Now, because I like to torture myself, I also ordered the following matching solid bottoms:

Smocked Medium Tide Bottom

What I love: Nope. What I don't love: I mean, look at them on the model. What was I thinking? I got the medium and they were weird and bulky and side-squeezy. Badness all around. 

Medium Tide Bottom

What I love:  This bottom is pretty basic but it has the right amount of ass coverage and the side ties are removeable, though I feel like they balance out the top so I'd probably leave them on. What I don't love: I ordered the medium and the large and I can't decide. The medium fits but cut in a tiny bit at the hips. The large are a tiny bit too big. Halp. I actually like a true tie-side because you can fix that problem but the Notsostring bottom doesn't come in purple and the Tieside bottom is pretty minimal. 

SEE? This is exhausting. I need to go take a nap now. 

Everything Is Terrible. Please Send Wine.

Apparently the idea of buying a new swimsuit has broken my brain, you guys. First, I talked to Marianne about it. A lot. 

A: I really need to buy a damn new swimsuit *knife emoji*

M: Ughhhh

A: The pool isn’t open for another two months but by then all the good ones will be gone and I'll end up with something like this:

 Nautica Absolutely Shore Swim Dress

M: Yeah get on it. It’s painful.

A: How much is too much for a swimsuit? $100ish?

M: That’s what I spend on suits. In my experience it’s just worth it.

A: I need quality and longevity. I will be dammed if I ever buy another disappointing Target suit.

A: I’m thinking maybe a cute one piece with a funky pattern? Not, like Mara Hoffman funky, but something like this, maybe?

Kenneth Cole Reaction

M: Cute!

A: OR! Literal busted can of biscuits:

#nope

M: Nope.

A: I mean. Who. Why.

...

I then went to an actual department store to try on actual swimsuits with Kate tagging along for moral support. My favorite bikini of all time is made by La Blanca and it's held up remarkably well so I thought I'd start with there. I tried on this one which I thought looked really cute on the internet:

  La Blanca Island Goddess

It did not look really cute on me. Nor did the other SIX (!) suits I tried on but I did learn something - 1. Dillard's lighting is total bullshit, and 2. I am better off in a bikini. It's not that I particularly love flaunting my midsection but one piece suits don't seem to work for my short waisted, narrow shouldered self - they were all simultaneously too big and too small. The beauty of the bikini is that you can mix and match the top and bottom in different sizes. So I toddled home and got busy with Zappos and 6pm.com. I ordered this set:

La Blanca Solid Bandeau Bra

 La Blanca Tangier Shirred Band Hipster

(Actually, I had to order the bottom from Zappos and the top from 6pm because that is how my life is now. I can't even tell you how much thought went into this process. It better fucking fit.)

I bought this set from 6pm.com because it looks cute enough and it's marked down:

La Blanca Catalonia Bandeau Bra

La Blanca Catalonia Hipster

Now when everything arrives I can pour myself a glass of wine and avoid the terrible body-shaming florescent lighting of the Dillard's dressing room and hopefully find a swimsuit that doesn't make me want to cry. And, if it does make me cry, well, at least I'll already be at home. I will keep y'all posted!