Ye Olde Banana: Things Just Got Weird.

A: This is for YOU.

M: False. Those are actually for no one.

A: But, they combine the modesty of a skirt with the mobility of pants. Don't you want to be modest and mobile, Marianne?

M: If by modest you mean unrecognizable as a female and if by mobile you mean tangled in great swathes of khaki then YES.

A: Which brings us to the other page!

M: I feel like whoever wrote the copy for those pants is maybe hard up.

A: Words words words SENSUAL TREAT. LIBERATES THE HIPS. Whut.

M: SIDE AND REAR.

A: SOUL-COMFORTING REASSURANCE. I am...maybe using pockets wrong?

M: It's a lot of pressure to put on a gee dee pair of khakis, is what I'm saying.

A: They recreate the happy state of nature, Marianne.

M: They are KHAKI PANTS. WITH PLEATS.

A: You know what totally saves it? The suggestion that you should wear two of the kente scarves knotted together as a top.

M: Things just got a little bit sexy.

A: Side-teat is all the rage with the kids today.

M: I'm sorry did you just say TEAT.

M: ADRIEN DONATELLA ARNOLD.

A: YOUR SIDE-TEAT IS FABULOUS!

M: You've been wearing your khakis too much.

A: My hips have been liberated!

M: #TMI

Vintage Banana Republic. Better and Better.

A: $46 for saggy cotton sweatpants? IN THE 80s? Lululemon could take a few lessons from this.

M: Wait, is this Normcore?

A: Super plain white cotton t-shirt? $32! Did I mention it's cotton? Did I also mention it's 1988 and we're going on safari?

M: These sweatpants are just the thing for outrunning lions!

A: Nothing says authentic like a safari cap and elastic waisted gym shorts.

M: Watch it, that's the official team headgear. Something tells me these people are not the sporty type.

A: Maybe you don't have your elastic waist hitched up high enough?

M: Go team! Hit a touchdown!

A: Play with panache! dunk a home run!

M: I'M GOING TO DISNEYWORLD! Good thing I held on to my sweatpants.

A: Well, and thank god they're "not immobilizingly bulky." That's some faint praise right there.

M: If your sweatpants are keeping you from moving I think you're doing something wrong.

A: No, no, Marianne. They're NOT immobilizing. They don't claim they aren't bulky, just that you'll still be able to walk.

M: I'm talking about all those other sweatpants.

A: Oh, you mean non-safari sweatpants? We don't talk about that.

M: WHY CANT I MOVE?

A: It's not like you weren't warned.

Throwback Thursday: More Vintage Banana.

A: The selling point on these lady cargo shorts? THEY WILL MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE A PREGNANT MARSUPIAL. Good luck with that, Banana.

M: 100% FUPA approved.

A: You can hang other gear from the belt loops! Perfect for your crimping iron and your banana clip.

M: I can't get over the WALLABY. Is luring animals to sleep in your shorts a desirable thing? I need a drink.

A: Did you read the copy on the scarf? "A torso wrap to attract admiring glances." Uh. Thanks for the sexual harassment scarf, BANANA.

M: Listen, using the word torso straight up makes you sound like Buffalo Bill.

A: IT PUTS THE LOTION IN THE COTTON CANVAS AND LEATHER HAVERSACK.

M: Haversack sounds unwholesome.

A: Here. Here is some wholesome for you on the next page:

M: Can be worn on belt.

A: Why would you not do that? Strap it around the waist of your Sister-Wife Trekking Jumper!

M: Then go have some oysters at the Ritz. WHY NOT.

A: And… scene.

Yuppie Safari, Anyone?

Back in the olden days, Banana Republic was marketed to yuppies with aspirational safari/world travel fantasies. It was A Thing, complete with hand-drawn catalogs. Well, bless my mother's hoarder heart that she saved some of these catalogs and then offloaded them onto me. Enjoy.  -A

A: Can I interest you in a flight suit?

M: Dude, some hipster is wearing that right now.

A: You know who wore this best? David Bowie in the Dancing in the Streets video.

M: Truly

A: I’m pretty sure my mother wanted that and we definitely had the Turkana belt.

M: Man that belt is amazing

A: The leather pouch fit exactly nothing.

M: You could keep your Dexadrine in there.

A: I distinctly remember being annoyed that it wouldn’t fit a pack of Camel Lights.

M: Things a Turkana belt can hold: One quarter, two Dexadrine, your tears.

A: BUT I’M GOING ON SAFARI.

M: You’re a goner.

A: MY DISPOSABLE CAMERA DOES NOT FIT.

M: You’ll just have the memory of that lion.

A: I’ll just put my stuff in my Israeli Paratrooper briefcase. All good.

M: Ben Franklin…approves?

A: (Truth: I had that bag and carried it all through high school.)

M: He doesn’t strike me as a shorts kind of guy.

A: Banana is really stretching to tie Ben Franklin in with those middle-aged dad shorts. I mean, what?

M: Maybe our founding fathers were into cargo shorts.

A: It would explain a lot, actually.