Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Gift Guide For Your Sworn Enemy.

I am not one to have sworn enemies (as far as I know)  but I am open to the idea. It could happen! And if it does, I need to be prepared. Like, what do you buy for your enemy when the holidays roll around? Here are some ideas:

This is the worst mascara EVER disguised as the best mascara ever. That way, you look like you're doing your enemy a favor instead of what you're actually doing, which is giving her shitty mascara:

And nothing says "I love to hate you" like paring it with the World's Worst cute nail files. Win!

This seems like a really cute leather-trimmed dress (and a great price!) but wow, those reviews:

This nice-seeming dress will make your enemy look poochy! PERFECT.

"But, they're Jimmy Choo!"

"But it's Givenchy!"

"What? You love Stella McCartney!"

If your enemy loves cooking, buy something from the JCPenney Michael Graves line. If it's anything like the old Target version this stuff looks great but it was all designed by someone who's never cooked a meal. Or lived on the planet.  (Related, I once had a MG knife set where you couldn't tell which side of the knife was sharp. Good designing, Michael Crazypants.)

If your enemy is trying to get into a fitness routine, definitely buy this Tracy Anderson monstrosity of time-wasting starvation diet uselessness:

Yay! Lift that 2lb weight a million times and eat baby food! You're so close!

Now, if I were your sworn enemy, a Yankee Candle would be the very best/worst thing you could buy for me. Especially if it was an extra-offensive Man Candle:

There is so much wrong with that I don't even know where to start, y'all. And it would make me wheeze, so bonus enemy torture.

Finally, if you are truly full of awesome hate for the enemy in your life these gummy bears are exactly the thing. So thoughtful!


  1. MAN TOWN??????? overall, this gift guide is hilarious

  2. So funny and much more entertaining than the usual gift guide! I'd like to buy my enemy those sugar free gummy bears on the subscription plan "so they never run out"! Merry merry!

  3. Love you so much for posting this

  4. So, I clicked the BR dress and there are only 3 reviews - all pretty good. Do you think they pulled the bad reviews?! Shady! (Unless I'm really dumb and totally missing the bad ones...?)

    1. Whoa, they did! There were some negative reviews that claimed the dress pockets pooched out in front. There were definitely more than three. Shameful, BR.

    2. I changed it to an older link to this dress and the bad reviews are showing!

  5. Oh my god. The Man Town candle. I am DYING. Also that mascara is terrible.
    xx Abby a geek tragedy

  6. I have no idea what Man Town smells like, but I have a feeling I don't want to know. However, it's apparent that Riccardo Tisci is not just messing with Kim Kardashian, but the rest of us as well.

    p.s. that mascara is truly awful.

  7. ha that workout routine.. i tot missed that one. the dress, oh my... what a funny guide!

  8. My husband bought one of those car jar thingies in Man Town for his truck. Opening the door is like getting punched in the face with the scent of Sylvester Stallone.

  9. I just have to comment because it feels so good to have someone else validate what I have said for years... Great Lash is the WORST MASCARA ON EARTH. It does absolutely nothing- it does not lengthen, it does not thicken, it does not curl. At best, it leaves a greasy dark layer on your lashes.

    Should we launch an investigation into why it makes every Best of list? I honestly think there must be some sort of bribery or blackmail situation going on.