Thursday, January 29, 2015

Leading By Bad Example.

***FYI: Lovely MBMJ tote in the shop! Price drop on fancy shoes!***



  A: Lili! Your mission: Read this whole thing without rolling your eyes out of your head.

L: I got exactly this far, "4:45 Wake up and have a bowl of quinoa cereal. I do an hour or so of 3rd or 4th series ashtanga yoga."

A: Oh, it gets so much better/worse.

L: Adrien, I like women. I would choose to spend time with vast majority of them over any man, pretty much any day. If I keep reading past the second woman who awakes with a prayer of thanks, I fear I'll hate all of us. Forever.

A: Actually, a couple of them seem normal and likeable and have to ask their kids to get up more than once. But you're right about this crap: "6:30 Wake up and express in prayer how thankful I am to have woken up that day because someone went to sleep that night and didn’t wake up."

L: OK, I went back in. And I was all, "OK, so this lady doesn't use her snooze button like crack like I do, but there's more than one way to skin a cat!" Then I read this and I rolled my eyes so hard they got stuck. "6:50 Make coffee (fair trade); microwave Zen Bakery muffin (vegan) First breakfast."  So I'm currently typing this blind.

A: WHY DID SHE NEED TO QUALIFY. If she'd just said coffee and a muffin you'd still be able to see. What is wrong with people.

L: Only person on this list that I could be friends with is Audrey Puente. I think she might be a real human being.

A: I liked her. Most of them? Robots.

L: Maybe they are just telling them what they think WE want to hear so that we avoid judging them. Which....didn't work out.

A: Yeah, I'm judging this: "6:43 Alarm goes off. No snooze. Pull on John Eshaya sweatpants and clogs."

L: I just had to google those sweatpants. They look like normal sweats with words on them. Am I not cool enough to even know why one would name drop those? I guess her clogs are just generic!

A: Why did she name drop her (vegan) muffin? Why is the sky blue?

L: Can we share our morning "routines"?

A: Oh, wait! The sweatpants are expensive. That's why. And yes, by all means.

Lili: 

6:32 - Alarms goes off so I can give myself the false sense of sleeping in when I snooze it til 7:36.
7:37 - Struggle to put pants, socks and shoes on other people.
7:48 - Pour (General Mills, non-organic) Cheerios into Ikea bowls. Encourage eating. Loudly.
8:11 - Start yelling, "Why does no one do anything without me telling them to? PUT. YOUR. COAT. ON."
8:12 - Shove children out door. Luxuriate in 2 minutes of tooth brushing alone time.
8:15 - Clean kitchen chaos. Make just regular coffee
8:16-9:16 Lose all time - don't know where it goes. Now I am late.

Adrien:

6:30 - Alarm goes off
6:35 - Alarm goes off
6:40 - Alarm goes off
6:45 - Lay in bed and check email on phone. Moan quietly.
6:50 - Make regular coffee and non-vegan breakfast.
7:00 - Eat and watch the news until the weather report at 7:20.
7:20 - Forget to leave the couch, drink more coffee.
7:30 - Shower.
7:45 - Hair, clothes, not those clothes, different clothes, hair, makeup, make lunch.
8:25 - Where are my keys?
8:30 - Leave for work (which starts at 8:30.)

A: Really, I have no idea why they didn't interview us. We're leaders, right? Blog leaders.

L: True American heroes.

13 comments:

  1. Lili's morning sounds very similar to mine.

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  2. I believe the "green milk" mom is setting up her kids for years of therapy. They are also bingeing on Lucky Charms every time they have a sleepover.

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  3. 6:00 am - wake. grumble.

    6:03 am - express equal amounts of gratitude/rage at having set out running clothes the night before.

    6:06 am - curse Canadian winter, and relunctantly pull on three layers of stupid stretchy stuff

    6:15 am - look longingly at the cat, who is warm, then go outside to sweat/pant/hate all things/exercise where it is very cold

    7:00 am - wake from running-induced fugue state to express legit gratitude at having pushed the button on the coffee maker before leaving for that shitass run

    7:02 am - lie prone on the ground, sweating, as the cat sniffs for signs of life and the coffee brews

    7:16 am - curse the neighbours for using all the hot water, but get in the shower anyway because of previously mentioned sweating. take cup of coffee into shower because classy. listen to taylor swift on shower speaker because classy.

    7:23 am - "prepare" food (translation: reheat oatmeal you made in the slowcooker on the weekend. Possibly express some gratitude for having thought ahead to how shitty this moment would be, and how little you'd feel like actually preparing food. BLESS)

    7:48 am FUCK you should probably put some clothes on. And I guess makeup. But you work with dudes, and they don't notice this stuff so maybe not.

    7:49 am but someone might notice you so maybe yes

    8:14 am pack lunch, express similar gratitude as expressed at 7:23 am

    8:19 am begin ritual of putting every single fucking layer and warm fucking accessory you have because Canada in January

    8:29 am Reach for the door, hear cat vomiting on floor. Assess whether or not it needs to be addressed immediately, or if he'll eat it and save you the trouble. Decide on the latter.

    8:32 am hit the road (again!?) for the hour-long walk to work. Feel grumpy at cold, but #soblessed about not having to cram onto transit with all the other parka-wearing fools

    9:43 am morning dump.

    9:44 am Lean in.

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  4. Hilarious. The weather woman was the only one who told the truth at ALL.

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  5. This all reminds me of "My Imaginary Well-Dressed Toddler, Quinoa" http://www.pinterest.com/tiffanywbwg/my-imaginary-well-dressed-toddler-daughter/

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  6. I love you, guys!

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  7. Haaaaaaaaaa! Exactly. I'm with RValiquette, the meterologist is the only one not lying. Query - why do these Leader Ladies veer between french toast/pancakes (i.e. dessert food) and organic-almond-green-steel-cut breakfasts? Or maybe that's the Australian in me, we just don't eat breakfast like that except on special occasions. It's toast or a bowl of cereal. Add fruit if you're being really fancy.

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  8. No wonder nobody wants to hire me as a CFO/CEO/COO/what-have-you. Because, lo and behold, here is my morning routine:

    6:00 - alarm goes off. Need to go for a run to stick to the plan. Hit the snooze button. Just in case.
    6:10 - alarm goes off.
    6:11 - maybe it's raining and I will have an excuse not to run?
    6:12 - bugger, it's not.
    6:13 - will run in the evening. Back to bed. Oh, yummm.
    7:30 - where am I?
    7:31 - oh, it's morning. Again.
    7:32 - husband is in the kitchen. Must get up and help.
    7:33 - in the loo, checking e-mails and FB updates. Oh, great - a quizz to solve!
    7:37 - in the kitchen. Helping husband to prepare our breakfasts (plural, because pre-school hero takes his breakfast to pre-school). The breakfast is most likely vegan (soreeeee, ladies!), but coffee is pure evil - Nespresso capsules. But sometimes evil is sooo gooood.
    7:45 - attempting to wake up pre-school hero for the first time. He tells me that he wants to stay in bed and he hates me, daddy, pre-school, his mates, etc.
    7:47 - another attempt. My cup of pure evil is getting cold.
    7:50 - husband is taking over.
    7:51 - pre-school hero is at the breakfast table and announces that he will eat nothing. And that he hates us.
    7:52 - he doesn't hate mummy, though.
    7:55 - we're progressing with breakfast. Yay!
    8:05 - shower time for me.
    8:15 - brushing teeth.
    8:18 - dry blowing my hair, trying to drown the background noises ("I don't want to brush my teeth! I want to play!!!").
    8:20 - dressing pre-school hero. Husband is relaxing in the bathroom after the "I don't want to brush my teeth" battle.
    8:25 - pre-school hero is dressed. He wants to watch frigging "Cars".
    8:27 - "Cars" are on.
    8:28 - No, not the "Cars". Peppa.
    8:29 - Peppa is on.
    8:30 - where have all my pantyhose gone??
    8:31 - ok, will wear trousers.
    8:32 - where are all dress socks??? I cannot wear white socks to work.
    8:33 - staring at an open drawer. I must organise my lingere / socks drawer some time.
    8:34 - hurrah! Found a pair.
    8:45 - clothes on, make-up on.
    8:47 - we're leaving.
    8:48 - must go back, because pre-school hero wants to do number 2.
    8:49 - he needs a book.
    8:50 - and a toy car.
    8:52 - a blue one.
    8:53 - another blue one.
    9:05 - wiped / washed butt, we're dressing again.
    9:07 - but he wants to take a toy. A Police car.
    9:08 - the small one!!!!!
    9:09 - where the fuck is the small Police car???!!!
    9:11 - found it!
    9:12 - we're leaving. Saying a little prayer for no traffick jams.
    9:15 - stuck in the traffic jam. Trying to be Zen.
    9:17 - bloody hell….

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  9. I need to learn how to shower in 15 minutes.

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  10. The pharma executive showers and dresses in 10 minutes. Sure she does.

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