Monday, February 24, 2014

Throne of Lies.

M: My friend Briana pointed out that this list has some TERRIBLE products on it and asked us to recommend alternatives. How can we resist?

A: Okay, FIRST OF ALL, I take issue with their misleading use of the word "classic." Also, GODDAMN GREAT LASH.

M: GREAT LASH. And Jean Nate!

A: This would never have happened during the Kim France years. NEVER. I mean...Head & Shoulders? Really.

M: Moving on to THIS bullshit.


A: I don't. Understand.

M: It's a beauty...pillowcase.

A: I want my pillowcases to be embedded with wine. Is that a thing?

M: I always knew you were brilliant.

A: Think about the time it would save!

M: Oh! But Briana wanted actual good drugstore recommendations in place of the stupid ones. I for one am still 100% loving the ridiculous butterfly mascara.

L'Oreal at ShopStyle

A: I still love Maybelline The Colossal mascara. I haven't found anything that works better. And I swear by Aveeno body lotion. It's the best-best.

Maybelline at ShopStyle

M: My drugstore lotion of choice will forever be Curel Itch Defense.

A: I do like your fancy butterfly mascara, although the cost of hiring a makeup artist to do my left eye kind of negates the low cost.

M: I have been using it for weeks and still smear it across my left cheekbone half the time. But I tried a new mascara! This wild flame out whatever nonsense. The brush is huge and formula very dry. If you can manage to get it on without stabbing yourself with the toilet brush sized wand, it's pretty good.


A: I don't like a giant mascara brush, I always end up hurting myself.  I've talked about my favorite drugstore hair mask and moisturizer before. I'm boring. What else you got?

M: Oh oh! I have tried an actual new thing that I love! Revlon matte balm stain in Sultry. It is perfect.

Revlon at ShopStyle

A: I can attest that it looks great on you.

M: Why thank you.

A: And now I want it.

M: Of course! That's how this works.

A: You know, like last weekend when I was all, "Hey, can I buy exactly what you're wearing? ALL OF IT?"

M: I take it as a compliment.

A: I'm hiding in your doghouse.

M: Oh dear.


  1. Ok, I have a tip for y'all for applying mascara. I read about this European supermodel who does it this way and you will look like a looney bird doing it, but now it's the only way I can apply mascara and I hardly ever get it on me anymore.

    Bend at the waist until your body is at 90 degrees. While your head is basically upside down, look into a small hand mirror while applying your mascara. The angle that you're looking means that you can get at all the lashes but your eyes aren't all the way open so the likelihood of getting any on your lid is lessened by, like, a thousand percent.

    It's crazypants, I know, but it works.

    1. I have totally seen people do this, and... I didn't ask them to explain why, because I thought they were crazypants and didn't want to provoke them. I will have to give it a try, troll! :)

  2. The balm stains are great- I wish they would make more colors.

  3. Maybelline The Colossal mascara is the best mascara ever invented. I will cry when they finally discontinue it, which is what always happens to drugstore brands I fall in love with.

    Assuming MadameQueen isn't trolling [because, what?], just open your mouth as wide as it goes and then apply mascara. It pulls down the skin around your eyes and if you can't hit your lashes without hitting your lid then you shouldn't be wearing mascara. Or just need to practice a lot.

    1. Hee, not a troll, one of our most loyal long-time readers! But I fear that none of these suggestions will help me not get mascara on my eyeballs.

  4. Aw, yay. I've been "accused" of trolling. I feel like I've earned some kind of internet badge or something. LOL. Came back to say that I realized as I was putting my makeup on this morning that I don't actually lean all the way over, but I DO look down into a hand mirror. Of course I CAN put on makeup without getting it all over my eyelids (I've been wearing mascara since I thirteen and that's almost 30 years of practice), but this method makes it super easy to get those tiny eyelashes in the corner, especially if you're using a thick brush.

    1. Stop it with your crazy suggestions, troll! Heh, but seriously. Girl. You want me to hold the mascara and a mirror and bend over? This sounds like witchcraft.

    2. Okay, I tried it this morning. And while I didn't get mascara on my left cheekbone, I did get it underneath my eyebrows? My lashes are pretty long so when I bend over they curl up toward my brows and it was a bad scene.

    3. Y'all are cracking me up. Maybe I'm not explaining it right but when I do it, my eyes are sort of at "half mast" so that I can see, but my lashes aren't near anything else. Oh well, it was worth a shot. I was hoping I would have a technique named after me! LOL

    4. I tried it and got mascara in my hair? I AM HOPELESS.


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