We Discuss: Raincoats and Deli Ham.

M: These model shots are KILLING ME

M: Each is funnier than the last

A: It’s a cute raincoat even if the models want to murder it and us

M: Truly miserable

M: I like the Sea Salt one you linked

M: And the Barbour one

M: Oh here you go

A: WHAT EVEN ARE THOSE PANTS

M: The pink set looks like deli ham

M: Or some kind of fleshy fruit roll up

A: Nothing says rainwear like a ham slice roll up

A: Or, you can go with the black set aka Cheap Garbage Bag

M: Yet somehow actually expensive!

A: Is Fashion. 

PS. Just because I know you're all on the edge of your seat with anticipation, I panic-ordered two Helly Hansen raincoats from Amazon that I'm 90% sure won't fit me:

Cute right? I'll review them when they arrive. No worries that I'm between sizes for HH and they definitely will be too big. All part of the service. Fashion! 

We Discuss: Kardashians Weirdness and the Met Gala

M: HOW IS KIM KARDASHIANS BODY

M: HOW

M: I don’t see how surgery could achieve that, or how a corset could even do it or how it’s humanly possible

A: Oh, she’s straight up wearing a corset

A: But maybe also had ribs removed? (Is that actually a real thing?)

M: Did you see this one though

M: You can see her belly button! Or is it a fake one??

M: She is an alien I swear

A: I think the clear plastic part is probably the corset?

A: I love that Kanye’s dressed like stage hand

A: Like, I cannot compete with this so I am just going to wear black

A: And obviously she is an alien

M: It’s a feat of engineering

A: I just can’t imagine living my life like that, though

M: Oh hell no

M: But it’s fascinating

M: I highly recommend her episode of 73 questions with Vogue

M: So you can see her absolutely bonkers house

A: Ohhhhhh. Okay yes

A: Mostly I am 100% hard no on all things Kardashian but I am curious about this

M: I go back and forth to be honest

M: I think Kim in particular is a very canny and brilliant person when it comes to business and branding and media

A: Oh, she’s no dummy I just don’t really get the why

M: It’s kind of like art

M: At this point

A: I guess? I just hate this thing about being the fake-est, least realistic version of yourself at all times

M: They are super weird. Kanye is even weirder. He’s starting a church?

A: I think he’s mentally ill and I don’t mean that glibly

M: It’s all very bizarre

A: Their kids are really cute but they’re basically hosed

M: The one who really bums me out is Kylie. Kim still basically looks like herself but Kylie is unrecognizable and so young still

M: It makes me sad that she clearly thought she was the ugly duckling

A: I don’t think I could pick her out of a line-up

M: 

A: I literally would have no idea who that was unless you’d told me.

A: But she really cute before! No need for all that.

M: haha

M: I mean she’s also a billionaire with her own incredibly successful makeup brand so what do I know

A: You know I love some pop culture, I just find that whole clan unrelatable and weird

M: The weirdest

A: But I guess that’s the draw? That they’re just fucking weird

M: Yes it’s just fascinating. That’s how I look at it. But clearly many many more people find them aspirational

A: Which is SO SAD

A: STOP CONTOURING. YOU’RE WASTING SO MUCH CONCEALER

M: God the contouring!

M: I generally don’t care much about the met gala but this years theme was so fun

M: Katy Perry as a hamburger! Okay!

A: Wait, I thought she was a chandelier?

M: She changed into a hamburger later

A: Hahaha

M: As you do

A: I also love this year’s theme

A: I thought Janelle Monae’s look was really fun

M: I loved it

A: And Gwyneth took no risks, as per

M: Ugh she’s so gorgeous

A: She totally is, I agree, but I want her to surprise me. Just once!

A: Like, at least have some fried chicken in your purse

M: hahaha

A: Tiffany Haddish is my favorite forever

M: It would have been fun to see some humor from Goop

A: YES

A: I know she has it in her

M: For sure

A: Hamish Bowles was all, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

M: Hahaha I love it

A: The BEST

A: Pink Poodles! Marabou feathers! Goddamn

M: Camp on camp on camp

A: Love

Knees are the Window To The Soul: A Convo In Three Acts.

M: Good morning.

A: Are those knee…windows?

M: Yup

A: Why

M: Denim is really on a journey right now.

A: Is it going somewhere terrible, like Terra Haute?

M: Some kind of hellmouth situation.

A: Well, maybe in the hellmouth your knees need a little window.

A: I’m not sure why I’m defending them.

M: Explain yourself.

A: Well, see, this pair?

A: THREE HUNDRED AND TWENTY FIVE AMERICAN DOLLARS.

A: PLEASE DO NOT MISS THE BACK VIEW.

M: Those are startlingly close to the jeans I'm wearing today

M: No lie.

A: Marianne. They have an 11” rise and shadow pockets.

M: Just saying, they are not that far off:

A: See, those are cute. The $325 pair are trend salad - mom jeans AND two tone AND shadow pockets AND a mullet cut AND light wash.  I don’t know anymore.

M: Agree.

A: Can we agree on this pair?

M: Good grief.

A: Definitely a cry for help.

Act Two

M:  Sorry, was just distracted by these $500...shorts.

A: What the actual fuck.

A: I have a lot of questions.

1. Is there a crotch
2. How do they shorts

M: This is an overlay on shredded shorts. According to the description.

A: NO THANK YOU MUD FLAPS.


Act Three

A: The window jeans are on Katy Perry's IG stories.

M: They are following me across the Internet.

A: Also, a reader just sent us the window jeans link. (Thanks, Amy!)

M: THIS IS NOW THE ELEVENTH TIME THESE HAVE BEEN SENT TO ME NOT TO MENTION THEY ARE NOW IN ALL OF MY FACEBOOK ADS STOP IT STOP

A: YOU STARTED IT.

M: I HAVE REGRETS.

A: KNEE WINDOWS ARE OUR FUTURE.

A: THE WINDOWS TO OUR SOULS.

A: ...hello?

So Many Culottes, Too Much Time.

M: Not to body shame but girl. Ouch.

A: Girl, britches too small.

M: It hurts to look at her.

A: I’m feeling short of breath on her behalf.

M: Poor thing.

M: I can't imagine it's a ton of fun to be her.

A: Culottes should never involve tight lacing.

M: She wore that getup exactly once for the time it took to be photographed.

A: She looks pissed.

M: I'd say she's thinking I don't live on cigarettes and Pellegrino to not fit into this burgundy monstrosity.

M: Anyway she makes me sad.

A: Yeah, not a positive culottes experience.

M: 

A: Not bad!

M: Pretty cute!

A: I like the idea of denim culottes. In theory.

M: Same.

A: 

M: Right!

A: I'm not sure they're "me" but I like.

M: Saaaame.

Sequined Joggers: Full Circle.

A: I have closed out, like, six online shopping cart windows today.

M: Yeah just 🙅

A: The deals are so good but I don’t NEED any of it.

M: Nope.

A: I have to keep reminding myself that I’m actually trying to get rid of stuff, not get more stuff.

M: Right and no, no you don't need sequined joggers, you really don't.

A: Shit. I do, though.

M: I do too.

A: Why. For where.

M: For...a Christmas party...?

A: A Christmas party I throw myself. Just me and the bourbon and the cookies.

M: And your fancy, fancy sweatpants.

A: I love this idea.

M: Pair with your favorite gin sweater and Uggs!

M: Party on.

A: But seriously, where do I get sequined joggers.

M: Better question is where DON'T you.

A: HOLY shit:

M: So many.

M: But Shana is to blame.

A: Those are so cute on her.

A: I want the Target pair. Who am I?

M: That Target pair will make you cry like it's Election night.

A: Too soon, Marianne.

M: 😭😭😭

A: Do you think I can wear sequined joggers to work?

M: "Work"

A: So, no.

A: I can just seriously think of MANY ways sequined joggers can fit into my everyday wardrobe:  Lounge. Party lounge. Pre-gym. Post-gym. Pre-race. Post-race. Podium pics. Liquor store run. Target run. They just make everything fancier.

M: Pre-lounge.

A: Yes.

A: Actually, probably not for Lounge because sequins aren’t comfortable.

M: Chafe city.

A: So festive, so poke-y.

…Later…

M: I leave for Mexico soon!

A: Mexico? How did I not know about this?

M: Chris's best friend’s wedding.

A: Oh, how nice to be able to get away!

M: I'm looking forward to it.

A: Yay. What are you going to wear to the wedding?

M: No idea. A sack.

A: SEQUINED JOGGERS.

M: Duh

A: If not in Mexico, where.

M: Sand + sequins

A: ✨✨✨✨✨✨

Fashion Hell Portals.

M: God I just saw these really adorable jeans on a blog and clicked the link and WHELP:

Valentino contrast-hem high-rise jeans

A: I mean, do you have to pay your mortgage?

M: I was hoping they would be $120. God.

A: I am sort of breathless.

M: It's like I have opened some kind of portal.

A: A hell portal? Or just a new dimension?

M: Yes.

A: This is terrible to admit, but if I had the kind of money where a $990 pair of jeans was something I could afford, I'd probably do it.

M: Oh me too. I like to think I wouldn't, but I would.

A: I totally would. And I'd have glorious, glorious handbags that cost as much as cars.

M: I would be a horrible horrible person.

M: "What? This old thing?"

A: I just hissed through my teeth.

A: "It's just my lame everyday bag."

M: This reminds me of this article, which features not one but TWO $40,000 bags, including a crocodile backpack. I'll just leave you with this.

A: Goodbye cruel world.

Her Royal Highness Princess Beltcrown.

M:

M: Spotted in Vogue. Princess Beltcrown and her bitter double.

A: Princess Beltcrown?

M: She has a belt on her head.

A: Oh sweet Jesus, she does. Her bitter double would like to put the belt crown in that box FOR SAFE-KEEPING NO SERIOUSLY.

M: 

A: Ah, the young Princesses Satchelcap.

M: Heir to the throne.

A:

M: There it is.

A: You should put a belt on your head is what I'm saying.

M: Princess Beltcrown forever.

A: We are all Princess Beltcrown.

M: I think I should put a belt on Lulu's head. You'll wear that belt crown and YOU WILL LIKE IT.

A: She would own it.

We Are Not Fashion People.

source: The Sartorialist

A: Is there a more extreme word for scrolldown? Scrollnope? Scrollhorror? Scrollnoooooo?

L: She looks so lovely until you get to the hems.

A: She's even layering chunky knits like a boss! And then...womp.

L: OK, on the plus side? She is upcycling! (God I hope so, and simultaneously desperately hope she did not pay retail for those.)

A: Um.

L: Rachel Comey, WHY DO YOU HATE US?

A: THREE HUNDRED AND FORTY FIVE AMERICAN DOLLARS.

L: No, that makes sense. In a world where a downpayment on a small two bedroom apartment in NYC is $200K, that toooooooootally makes sense.

A: I am not thinking like a Fashion Person. I am also not layering chunky knits with a jaunty knit scarf.

L: But are you topping off your look with a hair-colored beanie?

A: And I don't know what bag that is but I want it. And her eyebrows. Not her shoes.

L: She does have effortlessly lovely brows! Let's just start over with her outfit from there.

A: I can't unsee those pants, Lili.

L: Straight outta dELiA*s!

A: #NOPE

L: I'll only go back to the 90s if I get my unappreciated, high-school body back.

A: Doc Martens were the only good thing about the 90s.

L: You know? Docs would've totally made her outfit better.

A: THEY WOULD HAVE.

Really?

source: The Sartorialist

A: Really. REALLY?

L: I assume these are the back legs of a horse, yes?

A: Definitely hoofy.

L: OK, I'm going to have sympathy for a moment: I never get things hemmed because I'm lazy but also SHORT.

A: Do you let your pants drag on the ground all up under your shoes? Because this is an epidemic:

source: Trendy Crew

source: The Sartorialist

L: Sadly, I can't say I don't do that (more with maxi dresses than with pants). But I can promise you I am not making a statement by doing so.

A: I am abnormally concerned about the filthy hems of fashion people. I DON'T NEED TO WORRY ABOUT YOU TOO.

L: I should probably also tell you that I don't launder my clothes as often as I should. Not even the floor draggy ones. And the New York City streets? Who knows what happens on them.

A: I am very, very bad about dry cleaning things, it's okay. I just can't stand the long-pants hoof. AND, it's distracting me from this disturbing trend:

source: Trendy Crew

L: Is that a.... sports bra.... under there?

A: I didn't even notice, all I see is her gigantic shoes.

L: No doubt going for that timeless, pre-spring 2015 look.

A: I'm already looking at Fall 2016. Pre-Spring 2015 is sooooo Fall 2013.

L: Ain't that the truth.

Swinter Weather Wear.

L: Brown "vintage" leather drop-rise crop pants:

No, really.

A: Who is this? How did you get this email address?

L: What? You don't like leather diaper ass?

A: Well...they are on sale.

L: 40% off + 10% back with eBates. It's like they're GIVING them away! (Maybe they should just give them away?)

A: I can believe they haven't sold out yet.

L: I would very much like to see those pants on a normal height person -assuming the model is very tall (mmmmhhhhh) - and with someone with shoes that don't obscure the capri-ness of these pantaloons.

A: The most confusing part is how much they don't look like leather. Not even "vintage" leather.

L: Not even slightly! At first glance I thought they were silk. Which somehow makes more sense in my brain than leather capris. WHAT is the appropriate season for these, pray tell?

A: Sautumn? Swinter?

L: I think you're right. They're for Swinter.

A: On Mars.

Planet Swinton

A: This is making me crazy:

source: The Sartorialist

M: I am pretty sure that's one of those blankets they wrap on marathon runners, and I'm pretty sure she's rocking it.

A: YES. EXACTLY. AND YES. EXACTLY.

M: She is not a mere mortal, Adrien.

A: Giovanna is a beautiful crazy fashion alien from the planet Swinton.

M: Pretty much. Damn, those shoes.

A: I know. I feel like I need a guest pass to even look at her.

M: What do you think she eats? I can't imagine her, you know, grocery shopping.

A: Eats?

M: Right, I'm being silly.

A: She gets her nutrients from the AIR, Marianne. Swinton planet air.

M: Sigh.

A: You weakling mortal with your food.

M: I'll never be America's Next Top Moddle.

A: Did you want to be?

M: I can't develop a taste for cotton balls this late in life.

A: So filling! Not quite like air but you wouldn't know.

M: I'll never know. Sniff.