Wednesday, December 20, 2017

We Watched This Dumb Holiday Movie So You Don't Have To.

Hey, so remember last year when Marianne and I documented the delightful Spirit of Christmas? (Part One and Two if you have the free time.) This year since we're both obsessed with the royal engagement I suggested we watch A Christmas Prince. We watched it together and texted each other our thoughts and oh my God, you guys. Literally watch anything else. Like, anything else. Or just read our completely nonsensical convo:

M: I AM READY TO BECOME A PRINCESS

A: OKAY LETS DO THIS

A: It's starting

M: Festive af

A: It looks like it was made in the 80s

M: What even is this font. And fake snow.

A: Comic Christmas Sans


M: Oh, Amber

M: THE PATRIARCHY

A: YES

M: I wish this movie was Amber destroying the fucking patriarchy but I think she’s gonna marry a prince

A: Aldovia?

M: Aldovia = fake country

A: She's never smashing anything

A: I just drooled through the major plot point

M: Seriously I’m already like wha


A: Prince Terrible Beard

M: Prince Derpface

A: He's no Harry

M: She’s no Meghan

A: NEWP

M: Ooh pie

M: I want pie

A: I'd kill for pie

A: Like, lemon pie

A: Or Apple

M: Chess pie

A: Fuck

M: Fuckkkkk

M: Wait I missed the plot again

M: She has to go to Aldovia??

M: She has to GO there

A: Duh

M: This is just like the inn

A: How can she bang Prince Derpface otherwise?

M: I guess I thought they would meet cute in the big City

M: That’s prince Derpface under cover of terrible beard

A: Derp just took her cab

M: Hahaha

A: Haha

M: Aldovia is in Colorado

A: Yeeeeah

M: Or like New Hampshire


A: Disney castle!

M: That’s pretty

M: Do they have pie?

A: It doesn't suck

A: They have mini pies

M: Sigh

A: Prince Richard is snorting coke off a hooker. J/K

M: I like the way that guy says shedule

A: Shedddduuuel

M: Amber in her Converse

A: Hatching a plotface

M: Just a regular girl

A: Wow, She just walked in.


M: Slip right into a fucking castle sure

M: Take off your press pass honey

A: Slack security in Aldovia, CO


M: Princess Emily? Who dat

A: Prince Derp’s little sister

M: I reckon

A: Amber is her tutor now because sure

M: Emily sounds fun

A: Gross beard, Prince Derp

A: OH COME ON

M: TINY TIM!

A: I CANNOT

M: I guarantee you she’s an able bodied kid. That bugs.


A: She's basically channeling Veruca Salt

M: Emily = Veruca Salt

M: Oh damn!

A: I love you

M: Same



M: Who put a vase there on a post.

A: The royal family is a bunch of jerks

M: For real

M: Converse. Seriously

A: I want Amber's clothes to be...

M: Better

A: Yes. Just that.

A: God, this is deadly

A: POOR LITTLE RICH GIRL

M: GOOD GRIEF


M: Btw that kid is perfectly able bodied. If your going to pull the disability card try using an actual disabled actor ffs

A: Agree. It's lazy bullshit

M: Prince Derp. He’s no sexy ghost

A: No, he's basic

M: Amber what are you wearing

M: HARF

A: It's like Gap circa 1997

M: So bad

M: So Cousin Simon wants the throne

M: This “plot” is rough

A: This movie is rough

A: PATRIARCY

A: Emily feels that shit

M: Emily is woke

A: Veruca Salt is gonna Lemonade that shit



M: Amber girl what’s happening with your cardigan

A: It's painful, her clothes

A: Wait, what gathering is this?

M: Is this just every night

A: Ha

M: Like Downton Abbey?


A: I wonder what's hiding in the secret giant acorn ornament?

A: I'll bet Amber will clumsy it open

M: A ring

M: And he will give it to her Christmas Eve

A: Of course

A: And then turn into a ghost?

M: This is JUST like the ghost. No real job would send you somewhere for this long. It would be a 48 hour junket

A: I mean, Amber’s just living there now?

M: Ooooookay

A: Oh fuck

M: Oooooh snap

A: Princess Emily is the smartest person in this movie

M: Emily for Queen

A: 100%

M: We came around on Emily right quick

M: Ooh that kitchen

A: Magical Disney castle kitchen

M: It’s like the kitchen at the Biltmore

M: Don’t cry tiny Tim!

M: (I’m going to hell)

A: Amber, stop speaking in cliches

M: I cannot get it up for Prince Richard


A: He looks like a Sound of Music Nazi

M: YES

A: No sparkle, all hair gel

A: They're worried about who will rule the country? Is there no actual government in Aldovia?

M: I guess not

A: Ooh, a ball

M: Is the coronation ball ON Christmas

M: Of course it is

A: Duh

A: Welcome to Aldovia.

M: They should have put Emily in a pussy hat

A: Give that kid a yellow dress and a bat


M: Sledding! They gonna die

A: Prince Derp gonna be mad. Von Trapp mad.

A: Or not

M: Oh of course it’s time for a snowball fight

M: He is Not Cute

A: This is very Wham! video

M: Haaaa

M: Last Christmas you had a beard
Then the very next day, you shaved it away

A: HAAAAAAA

A: WTF is that saddle

M: That horse is serving lewks

A: Also, he can't ride

M: That’s not him

A: Newp

M: Stunt rider

A: x2


M: It’s cool I was raised in a NYC diner but I can ride

A: Ha, wow

M: Welp

A: Surprise, Amber sucks at horsing

M: Are there...wolves

A: YAS. EATEN BY WOLVES

M: Is this beauty and the beast?!

A: now we're talking

M: She just sat down


A: Derp saves the day

M: Where are they??

A: Derp' secret Nazi lair

A: Or, the King's hunting cabin

M: Pooooooor baby

A: Why is she still there? It's been weeks.

M: Years

A: She brought her entire Gap wardrobe.


M: Could they not hire an attractive man

M: I am so confused

A: He's so bland

A: Interrupted Kiss

A: Sans chemistry

M: She’s pretty bland herself

A: Secret drawer, don't care

A: I can't even remember why Derp doesn't want to be King.

M: Me neither

M: This adoption storyline?

A: Legit Aldovia birther story

M: Lolll

M: Gurrrrllll

A: Lord

A: It's like his features all belong to different faces.

M: Like someone cut and pasted him

M: Does anyone really call their dad pop

A: Fake Aldovia calling fake NY

M: Everyone is in Toronto

A: YES

M: I think they were trying to cast a Prince William

A: Oh, they failed so bad

M: She literally packed an entire Old Navy


M: Do castles get into Christmas lights like this

A: Do they not have conditioner in Aldovia

A: It's a Disney castle

A: That kiss

M: 🙄

M: Richard, leave it all behind, sell your story, write a book


A: Did he really let that priceless Friesian stallion wander off again?

M: Seriously that horse is more expensive than anything in this movie

A: He's so ODD looking

M: It’s like he’s made of silly putty

M: Emily ILU

A: Fun fact: Martha Stewart has Friesians

A: Tiny Tim, keep fighting!

M: God bless us everyone!

A: Emily went to Pandora!

M: Every kiss begins with Kay

A: Ah, Amber’s makeover begins

M: Of course


M: She looks like Amy Adams now

A: He still looks like a Von Trapp Nazi

A: *sigh*

M: Both basic


M: He is tall. That’s nice.

A: I'm trying to care about what happens

M: I literally just forgot to watch for a minute

A: You didn't miss anything

A: Why again is he taking the crown during the Xmas ball?

M: They seriously have a microphone

M: Like he’s prom queen

A: It's all so embarrassing

A: This is dumb

A: Nobody is a ghost?

M: This is un fun

M: The opposite of what I want in a cheesy Christmas movie

A: It's bleak


A: Aldovia's airport looks like a bus station

M: Why does she have that poem still

M: Oh the acorn

A: The ACORN I TOLE YOU

A: Nobody curr about the political stuff

M: This is so borinnnnngk

A: Acorn time

M: The acorn has to go off in the final act

A: I mean, wooden acorn with a secret

M: This is not ever how this shit goes down

A: Yaaaawwwwn

M: His stupid knee pillow

A: Oh, the king amended the law. Then stuck it in a giant acorn. Riveting stuff.

M: 🙄🙄🙄

A: Words words words

M: Derp crown

A: KING OF THE DERPS

M: Alderpia

A: Why did I not think of that?

M: You’re slipping

A: The hard bitten editor ain't happy. Amber quits!

A: Oh, she's going to write a blog. Cool.

M: Counting down to the prince arrival


A: ITS CALLED AMBER’S BLOG

M: Clever

A: Sharp, our Amber.

M: Less than five minutes to Derp

A: There he is

M: Looking like a bowl of mashed potatoes

A: A king. Just hanging out on a completely deserted Manhattan street. On NYE.

M: Toronto

A: ALL THAT PARKING


M: Casual

M: Oh god

A: Oh god

M: He went to Jared

A: But...my career

A: Honey.

M: “Career”

M: You can blog from the palace dear

A: Amber's Blog

A: Haaaaaa



A: That hideous ring!

M: What the fuck is that ring

A: JARED



A: Oh thank god it's over.

M: Well that was terrible

M: Not even funny

A: It was no Christmas ghost

M: 😒

A: I'm sorry

M: Oh it was still fun to watch with you

6 comments:

  1. My husband watched this with my six year old son. I was in and out of the room. I actually like that actress, so I was dismayed to see her in this. She's on iZombie and is good in it. I wanted to throw those Converse into a fireplace.

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  2. I’m certain this post is 4000% more entertaining than the actual movie! Love it.

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  3. Yea, she's good in iZombie, which I like. It's no Buffy The Vampire Slayer, but it's okay. This movie, however, was awful. I watched it while consuming an awful lot of pre-liquored eggnog. If you like non-Lifetime Lifetime movies, try Lucky 7 with Kimberly Williams-Paisley.

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  4. Lol I love when you are talking about his face, but he is actually cute if styled correctly. https://goo.gl/images/awWptg
    Here he is in Now You See Me 2.
    My boyfriend loves Izombie so we watched i and I didn't find it too bad, but I really agree about her clothes. Eek!

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  5. Ohhhhhhh I love you!!! I'd watch any kind of crap movie with you guys MST3K'ing it.

    But hey, fyi, everything else may be Gap Factory rejects, but that belted trench is from Express. I know because I bought one, deeply discounted, for my Halloween costume this year (Lois Lane, superannuated girl reporter) and it was the first time I'd been in Express since ... 1999? It's weird in there, y'all. But I also accidentally picked up a pair of pants I rilly like so ... I guess Express FTW.

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