A: A candidate for Hot Hotness?
M: Adrien, I am at the orthodontist and you just made me snort unattractively.
A: Um, but he's wearing a harness.
M: There is no way he has sex without crying.
A: He's so POUTY.
M: I think his lipstick just gave me cancer.
A: Do you think the harness is the Pouty Goth necktie? Kids today.
M: He is trying so hard, Adrien. He just wants you to know his PAIN.
A: The shorts suit is very...Cheap Trick, the facial expression very Twilight. The lipstick very Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. I'm so confused.
M: He is like Alfalfa, grown up and with a child actor complex. Wait. ALFALFA, IS THAT YOU?
A: YOU ARE RIGHT:
M: It's a total cry for help.
A: Should I feel bad for him? Because I really don't. Mostly I just want to clean his face with a linty Kleenex I found in the bottom of my purse.
M: Oh hell no. And I'd like to see you go after him with a little spit shine.
A: Oh yeah, I spat on that Kleenex.
M: I can't end this on Alfalfa:
A: HI THERE. WHO THAT.
M: Damien Lewis, also known as Your New Boyfriend. I got him for you.
A: But...but...your birthday is coming up, not mine! But thank you I'll take him and aren't you THOUGHTFUL.
M: I know, I give and I give.
A: I'm a good taker, I think. Yeah.
M: I REALLY like Damian Lewis and wonder where he has been all my life.
A: Well, you know I like a redhead.
M: I found him by searching "hot redheads"
A: I just snort-laughed.
M: Well, "red-headed men" just got me Carrot Top. I still haven't recovered.
A: Oh, dude.