A: Oh God! I'm breathless. The ass shot is priceless:
M: Her ass should sue for breach of asscrack or something. I don't even know what that means, but it isn't good.
M: I am not a lawyer. Also, I've had some wine.
A: It makes complete sense to me, which shouldn't be comforting.
M: You should probably get your head checked. I think there are torts involved. Habeas shortus?
M: I am just saying. I think the Geneva Convention comes in to play. That was a fashion thing, right?
A: I think you're thinking of the G8 Summit.
M: Does that have to do with extra long leather shorts butts? Then yes.
A: This year's G8 Summit is going to be on the following topic: Remember Those Awful Saggy Pocket Shirts? What Was That?
M: I am really itching to hear Silvio Burlesconi's thoughts on the matter.
A: HOW AM I JUST NOTICING THE BAGGY LONG ASS LEATHER SHORTS ARE NEARLY FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS AUIHTAWEBNQIAEGTK;JSDBHk
M: I KNOW RIGHT WHAT THE HELL
A: It's a joke, right? A terrible terrible joke ON HUMANITY. Fortunately, I know a criminal defense lawyer on Twitter. He refused to represent the shorts, but was happy to give an opinion, pro bono:
@amblus @gregorysheldon Can you please weigh in on what/how many laws are being broken here?
@gregorysheldon From a legal standpoint, this is larceny by false pretenses. They are trying to convince you these are cool and get your money.
@gregorysheldon From a fashion standpoint, the pleats, the price, the name of the color, the material, use of the word exquisite...
@mariannecanada HOW did I miss the name of the color? Spiced Olive sounds like something you're forced to eat as punishment.
@amblus DON'T MAKE ME STOP THIS CAR. FINE, SPICED OLIVE TIME.
@gregorysheldon No, no, no! Not the spiced olives again. I'll be good, I promise!
@mariannecanada "Little Jimmy is constipated again, so I had to force feed him spiced olives last night."
@gregorysheldon I just... wow.
@mariannecanada Thank you, thank you.
M: Maybe the Rapture really DID happen? Because those shorts would definitely be Left Behind. Kirk Cameron would see to that.
A: I'm pretty sure Kirk Cameron wore those shorts on Growing Pains.
M: Dude, no way. It was totally Boner in the shorts.
A: You know what? I was going to go there and then I thought, NO DO NOT GO THERE.
And you went there.
M: I kind of live to go there.
M: Also, don't Google "Boner Growing Pains Shorts".
A: OH. YEAH.
M: I would like to take this time to welcome all of our new, perverted readers. Mazel tov!
A: Welcome, perverts! We will mock you! And challenge you via email, so make sure you don't use your WORK EMAIL ADDRESS!
A: PS. Yes, kids, that happened.
M: Take heed! We have no problem publishing the creepazoid emails you send us!
M: P.P.S. The email was about my feet.